


To Fall

by Transdodds



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 19:41:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15126527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/pseuds/Transdodds
Summary: Mike Dodds has spent his entire life following orders and obeying the rules, including the one not to get involved. All that changed upon meeting Sonny Carisi





	To Fall

Dominick ‘Sonny’ Carisi Jr. should've been one case in a parade of millions that Mike dealt with, 'should've' being the key word. But out of the millions of firefighters, paramedics, soldiers and police, Sonny stuck out. Mike knew he should have been more careful, should have made sure not to get attached. But how could he have possibly known the colossal impact Sonny would have on him in the course of almost a year? 

So, after an incredibly tough case that caused guilt to burn the back of his throat, Mike accepted Sonny's offer to go get drinks, just the two of them. Mike had needed the drink, even if it would have no effect on him, he needed the comfort, the companionship. He had always known logically that they couldn’t save everyone, that even the people that they did save would die when their time came. But seeing that girls body, the fact that there was nothing he could’ve done to prevent what had been ordained did nothing to stop him from feeling that he was responsible. To say his faith in the great Plan had been shaken somewhat was an understatement.

That night wasn’t the first time he kissed Sonny, but it was the first time he thought about it, tracking the way those pink lips wrapped around the cool glass of the beer bottle, or how they curved into such a wide smile. Mike thought it was almost funny that while he was the one who was part of the Heavenly Host, Sonny was the one who looked angelic. Especially when light caught his hair making it shine golden like a Halo; Sonny looked like he had stepped directly out of a renaissance painting. There was no other word for it, Sonny Carisi was beautiful and when Mike started smiling whenever he thought of Sonny instead of just running through the task at hand he knew he was in trouble.

However that didn't stop him from going for drinks with Sonny. The man pulled him in like a magnet and he felt powerless to resist. So they spent evenings together, talking and laughing with Mike pretending he didn't already know everything about Sonny's family, about his life, about his future, and that the small details about his own life weren’t complete fabrication. He wanted to be honest with Sonny, there was something about him that made you want to be open, Mike wasn’t surprised he was a good detective. But he also knew that there was no way one could simply say “I’m your guardian angel” without sounding insane.

So he said nothing when Sonny almost casually brushed their hands together on the bar counter, said nothing as they walked home, despite the fact they’d always gone their separate ways at the bar, said nothing as Sonny tentatively leaned forward on the stoop outside his apartment, soft pink lips connecting with his. All he did was lean in, one arm circling around Sonny's waist bringing him impossibly closer.

As he lay in Sonny's bed, watching the man sleep next to him, Mike tried to distract himself from the fact he had broken Divine Law by instead concentrating on the gentle rise and fall of Sonny's chest as he slept, his legs tangled in the bedsheets and having never looked more peaceful or more gorgeous. He knew he should sleep, not because he really needed it but because he knew how creepy it would seem if Sonny knew he’d spent all night simply watching him, hell Mike knew what he was doing was at worst creepy and at best selfish, trying to steal every single moment of Sonny he had. But he also knew that if he slept he would have to face the shitstorm that was brewing up above him, not that he wouldn’t have to face it sooner or later, but it wasn’t like he was going to openly invite them to disrupt his happiness by opening up his mind through his dreams. So instead as the sun slowly began to rise and time dredged onwards towards the blaring of an alarm and another day of work in which Mike and Sonny would have to pretend there hadn’t been a monumental shift between them, Mike tried to latch on to this tiny moment of peace.

Weeks rolled on and a tiny bit of Mike started to hope that maybe, just maybe, they’d given him a free pass to love Sonny. A free pass to spend evenings curled up on the sofa together, spend weekends lazily kissing, making brunch in Sonny’s kitchen together, and helping Sonny study for the bar. That tiny piece of hope grew even bigger as time continued on and he spent Christmas with Sonny, okay he spent Christmas eve with Sonny. They hadn't been together long enough to warrant Sonny breaking the news to his family, and he assumed Mike hadn’t either, even though Mike knew his ‘father’ already knew everything.

They spent the afternoon sitting on the floor, Mikes back against the sofa and Sonny’s legs sprawled over his. Christmas songs played softly from a spotify playlist Sonny had put on and Sonny gave him a quick kiss before giving him a present and even if he had wanted to Mike couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. He had been to Paradise and it could in no way compare to that afternoon, unwrapping a sweatshirt that he knew Sonny was probably going to steal back, not that he cared in the slightest, a tie for work and a book he had mentioned wanting to read a week or so ago and then watching Sonny’s face light up as he unwrapped his gifts. Mike had tried to find the line between touching and knowing way too much about Sonny, in fact he’d been trying to find that line their entire relationship. In the end he decided he’d try to start a clean slate, if he truly wanted to be in a human relationship then he would have to act like a human in the relationship, but sometimes there was an urge to use everything at his disposal to make his boyfriend happy. If anyone deserved it, it was Sonny, but that didn't necessarily mean Sonny would want that. 

He seemed to have hit the mark exactly, if Sonny’s huge grin at the cookbook, an assortment of legal books and thrillers, a pair of smart cufflinks and fancy pen was anything to go by. All in all the day was absolute perfection, so much so that he could almost imagine that this was his life. That his relationship with Sonny stretched out full of possibilities instead of being one where he knows for certain the end is coming, be it by the hand of heaven or by the reason he was placed here in the first place.

The illusion faded that evening. Sonny had to leave to go to evening mass and was spending the rest of the week on Staten Island with his family, and Mike had said he was going to be with his dad. However, that was absolutely the last thing he wanted, and he was pretty sure that, if the radio silence was anything to go by, he was Upstairs debating about the exact specifics of the damnation Mike was piling on himself. Mike wondered if his 'father' was trying to save him or was arguing for greater punishment in an attempt to ensure Mike never disobeyed him ever again. Whatever happened it was extremely likely he would lose everything he had worked so hard for, also likely they would strip him not only of his position, of his achievements, but also of his wings.

Mike wouldn’t call himself a pessimist, simply a realist and the worst case scenario just happened to also be the most likely verdict, that is, Mike would become one of the Fallen, a husk of the angel he once was. Apart from that he had no idea what would actually happen, myths and rumours were everywhere, ranging from simply becoming mortal to spending eternity suffering under the punishments for your transgressions. Overall the possibilities didn’t seem too bad, even the prospect of pain for eternity was something he would endure for the human form of happiness that is Sonny Carisi. However, there was still a third option he didn’t even want to really contemplate, especially as it seemed the most likely, it’s truth coming through in the fact it was told only in hushed whispers, fear and apprehension taking the place of glee or interest. It was the possibility of not only being stripped of angelic life force, but of all life force, made to be less than human and forced to feed off others energy instead of giving it. It made him nauseous to even think of it. Hurting others because of his selfishness, the possibility almost convinced him to travel Upstairs and present his case, or even fall to his knees and beg forgiveness.

But then his phone would vibrate and he’d be drawn back into another conversation with Sonny. Sonny Carisi was an addiction that he was sure would kill him. He could only hope that was the extent of the damage he was causing by breaking the cardinal rule of not becoming involved. He was sent here to simply observe until the time came to seamlessly slip back out of people's lives, a lasting impression should never be made. And he knew it was selfish, but it felt so good to finally be a someone in another person's life, instead of a distant memory in the making.

It was another month before Upstairs finished their deliberation and Mike was alerted of this in the form of a bullet burrowing into his shoulder on a dark, cold night by the woods while on the trail of a killer. It wasn’t exactly the best omen of things to come Mike thought as he spent time in Physical Therapy with the Chief, neither of them broaching the topic that Mike was sure had led them to the gym together. Of course he had no actual evidence that this was Upstairs’ doing, but he wouldn’t put it past them, they had never been subtle when they didn’t have to be, just look at the Burning Bush. The bullet certainly meant that the Chief had a chance to talk to him without him being able to escape or hide easily. The actual judgement was delivered as he sat at a bar, a different one to the one he went with Sonny and that was a blessing. Whatever was about to come would not be pleasant and he could not bare to taint a single memory he had with Sonny with what he was about to hear.

“Mikey, why, why did you throw all your work, all your plans away for that Detective?” Dodds sr said through a sigh as Mike said nothing in response. He didn’t comment about the fact that Dodds sr spat the word ‘detective’ out like it was so far beneath him despite the fact his very job was to look after them, or about the fact that in the end it had never really been his plan, he had simply been following the orders of the very mentor about to tell him his fate. He simply waited for Dodds to continue, and continue he did.

“I’ve spent time putting forward your case due to the fact you’re not even bothered to come and speak for yourself. Due to your past good work, while obviously you won’t be being promoted anymore, probably not for a long while, you get to keep your wings, you even get to keep on the job. However, there are conditions, you have to agree to take a transfer out of the squad to Joint Terrorism, see it as a show of good faith that you actually will do what you’re here to do. But Mikey, this is good news, a few decades of hard work and you’ll be back on track, just remember to continue to focus on what is important instead of that man”.

The heavy hand that landed on Mikes shoulder like a vice reminded him fully of the intense power Dodds Sr carried and was the only thing keeping Mike from leaving the bar, from saying that there could not possibly be anything more important than Sonny, from revealing that he could finally see the Plan for what it truly was, an arbitrary decision made by just a few who believed they could ordain who lived and died and when, even if it meant a young teenager with so much potential ended up lying among the trash like she was nothing. He didn’t say any of that,  just simply nodded and accepted the deal. The hand on his shoulder, weighing him down reminded him of exactly who he was going against, that the people making this Plan were more powerful than him, more powerful than anyone. That even one of them, the man sitting next to him in fact, could grind him into dust while still wearing that lazy smile on his face that seemed to offer camaraderie and understanding. As much as he liked to think of the best possible world where he used the power he himself held to help others, to help everyone, he knew that would pit him against beings far more powerful than him and for the first time he felt fear rather than admiration for the Higher ups.

He tried to hide the fact that every responsibility felt like it was suffocating him, instead going through the motions day by day in an attempt to keep Sonny from seeing just how tired Mike was. He had no doubt in his mind that Sonny was worth the nausea he felt whenever he thought about his future, but sometimes he just wished it didn’t have to be so hard. His façade that everything was continuing to be fine in his life started cracking the night before Sonny and he were going to be stuck apart with absolutely no contact. Mike had a week at Quantico as part of his training for the ‘transfer’ that despite the fact he knew would never actually happen he still had to go through the motions of preparing for it, and Sonny was planning to go undercover at a homeless shelter. They were curled up on the sofa, both trying hard to pretend that this wasn’t going to be the last evening in a while that they would be together like this.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this” Mike said suddenly, not sure why he had suddenly blurted it out but it was true. He loved Sonny Carisi with every fibre of his being and he wouldn’t change this situation for the world, but still in the space of a few months he had gone from the dutiful soldier to questioning the Higher Ups and their great Plan and all their fucking rules. The change was overwhelming to say the least.

“The joint terrorism job?” Sonny asked, his hand halting where it had been absent mindedly stroking through Mikes hair.

Sonny hadn’t guessed exactly right, but he had managed to touch on a whole other issue. Was Mike really just going to go back to who he was before when this was all over? How could he possibly do that? He barely recognised the person he was before, the person who mindlessly followed rules, followed both a plan for his life and The Plan despite the fact he hadn’t had the slightest say in either of them. That wasn’t really a person, that was an opinionless drone and there was no way he could go back to that. So why the hell was he even pretending he could?

“Yes. I mean, I knew my time at SVU was probably always going to be temporary, another step in the plan, but now that it’s time to go, I just, I like working with you and the work we do, it’s important.” Mike replied, toeing the line between saying some of what was on his mind and being too truthful.  

Sonny took some time before he replied, carefully weighing up what he wanted to say. While Mike rarely talked about his family, Sonny had still managed to glean some things about his relationship with his father, from the way he was reluctant to ask for help or look weak or the way he would stiffen whenever Dodds sr visited the squad room; to tell Mike he should just do whatever he wanted would be ignoring the immense pressure his dad placed on him.

“Hey, in joint terrorism it’ll be easier if we want to disclose at least, and it’s not like we’ll never see each other. We can make it work, and the work you will do there will still be incredibly important and I know that when you’re there you’ll make sure they do it a hundred times better then they already do. But also I just want you to be happy, I love you and you deserve that.”

Mike took several deep breaths, desperately trying to get himself under control and act like those three words hadn’t simultaneously convinced him it was all going to be okay, and also that he had to take what would probably turn out to be the most painful path possible, but also that if he wanted to have even the slightest possibility of survival he had to bide his time.  “I love you too Sonny, I really do. And I think, I think I’m going to take the transfer, you’re right that we will probably be able to work things out and, and I think as long as I’m with you I will be okay”

A few days later Mike found himself praying for the first time ever. When you were the being helping out everyone else praying seemed pointless due to the very simple fact that there was no one else to go to. Yet here he was, hands clasped together as he sat late at night on a bunk in Quantico, desperately begging for help, not for him but for Sonny. He knew from a slight sickening feeling deep in his stomach that Sonny was going to be in danger soon, nothing life threatening, but definitely painful. He also knew that it was no coincidence he was stuck here during the time in which Sonny was going to be hurt. They knew that if he had the ability to stop whatever was going to happen he would be there in an instant. This was meant to tell him they were watching his actions closely and  that despite him agreeing to go along with the transfer they still didn’t trust him. Which led to him also praying that whatever They decided, whatever cosmic justice They bestowed upon him it did not extend to Sonny. He knew he could get through any hell They brought down upon him, but if Sonny got hurt because of his actions, well then he truly would be a demon.

Mike wasn’t sure if his prayer, although perhaps impassioned plea was a better term, had any effect, but he assumed this would simply be another time he had to have faith that it would all work out. And if it didn’t then would have no choice but to go off on his own because if he was sure of even one thing it was that Sonny Carisi did not deserve to be treated like an insignificant cog in a machine. He could no longer dismiss the screams of the innocent as simply serving the Plan, and if appealing to this Plan had no effect than Mike was ready to abandon it. 

With that in mind he tried to spend the following weeks with Sonny as present as possible, shutting all his worries and fears away. He knew that his time was limited and he wanted to enjoy it as much as possible, and maybe more selfishly he wanted to ensure Sonny didn’t forget about him. He knew they’d only been together a few short months, and while he didn’t want to hurt Sonny when he left a tiny part of him feared that the opposite would be true and Sonny would easily move on from him with only a hint of sadness. Deep down he knew that that wasn’t like Sonny, that Sonny had such a big heart there was no way Mike hadn’t already found his space within it, but that didn’t stop the doubt that caused him to start mixing up their comfortable evenings together with walks in the park, evenings at fancy restaurants and brunches at new places Sonny had been saying he wanted to check out.

Too soon the day was here, though Mike didn’t know that until it occurred. See, he didn’t know the specifics, no one did, that was why they sent agents down to the actual situation beforehand so they would definitely be there when the time came, as there was no way to pinpoint it exactly. But as the time grew closer Mike felt more and more anxious, knowing something was wrong. It was a familiar feeling from countless cases just like Sonny, but also so, so, different due to the fact that none of them had caused him to go against the system he was only now seeing was broken. When the actual day occurred, the anxiety ratcheted up until his heart was pounding way too fast as Olivia told them about the situation at the Munson house. When Sonny offered to go Mike wanted to throw up and he struggled to breathe for a second as a loud pounding in his ears that he had been hearing all day grew so loud it was painful. Then as soon as he offered to go in Sonnys place everything died down and Mike knew without a doubt that this was the ‘Incident’ and while he couldn’t say a damn thing, this would be the last time Sonny would ever see him alive.

He stood there in the Munson’s living room knowing that no matter what happened, what he did, this was the end of his time with Sonny. To call it ‘death’ would be wholly inaccurate, it was only Mike Dodds who would die in that sterile hospital room, the soul, the angel that inhabited him would live on, despite sometimes wishing he didn’t. For how could Mike enjoy eternity knowing there was no way Sonny could see him again? Occasionally he would observe Sonny, never interacting, not out of fear for the Law but knowing that it would harm Sonny more than Mike could bare. He already felt guilty at the hurt he had already caused, seeing Sonny hiding grief and anger away at home, the picture of professionalism elsewhere.

He did try to help where he could, acting in ways that would fly under the radar, both human and angelic. It was almost too easy to tear down BX9 with a few well timed accidents and anonymous tips, getting rid of the threat against Barba. Occasionally he would watch over Sonny at night, calming him when the nightmares came, it seemed only right due to the countless times Sonny called for him in the dark.

That was the one thing that made Mike doubt all he had done. Maybe it had been overly selfish, maybe the rules were correct. Sonny was in so much pain because of him, if he had been a better man he would have refused that drink all that time ago, would have rejected the warmth being offered to him.

The moment that dispelled the guilt somewhat and convinced Mike that he had he not done anything wrong but also that he had to find a way to get back to Sonny, Upstairs be damned, occurred on a cloudy Saturday morning. Mike tried not to check in on Sonny too often, sticking to evenings where he at least was useful in calming Sonny's nightmare addled mind, knowing that too often would place him on a radar he had no desire to be on. This all changed as he was attempting to focus on his job, though punishment would perhaps be a more accurate term considering the fact it consisted of waiting around in non-corporeal form in an office building on some military complex for weeks. Mike was half sure that the person he was looking over wasn’t even in any danger and that in a few weeks he would be given an actual job instead of this tedious waiting game. He was shook out of his stupor by an all too familiar voice, he looked around for signs of the lanky detective before realising with a start that the voice instead was coming from inside his head. This had happened before, Mike hearing others prayers, but never someone he knew personally, and the reason why this was happening became clear as Sonny uttered his name.

“...Mike, I guess what I’m saying is I’m sorry it took me so long to make it back down here, I just couldn’t get myself to admit that you were actually gone. Also… well I did tell my counsellor that I would try to get better about revealing what i’m actually feeling, so, well I was angry at you, angry at myself.” Mike, who was currently focusing on Sonny’s voice, using it as an anchor to pull him towards Sonny's location started slightly at that, unsure as to why Sonny could possibly be directing anger at himself. Still, he focused on the pull and within seconds he was no longer breathing stale air in a cramped and drab office, but instead standing on springy grass breathing in air with just the hint of rain, and looking on as Sonny stood by a gravestone. His gravestone.

“I should have gone instead, I volunteered first and it was your last day, you were already celebrating leaving. It’s not right that you went instead, that you… that you died instead.

I- it’s taken a while, a lot of talking but, well I’ve started to realise that in the end you’re, you’re gone, and while I would give anything for you to come back, I can’t spend my life longing for the impossible”  Sonny took a few shaky breathes and Mike had to implement all his self control to not take physical form next to him. He had to wait, if he revealed himself now it would be a few seconds before he brought celestial soldiers racing towards both him and probably Sonny. He had to wait, but now he was certain coming back to Sonny was the right thing to do and that the system tearing them apart would have to be torn down instead.

“The months together with you, well I’ve never been so happy, or felt so loved. So it only seems right that you’d want me to be happy, and at least from what Dr. Irwin says a good step seems to be forgiving you for leaving me alone, and forgiving myself for letting you leave me. So, well you’ll be seeing a lot more of me probably, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting after all.”

Sonny was correct about Mike seeing more of him, almost every Saturday morning Sonny's voice would appear in his head, talking to Mike about things happening in his life, about regrets and things Sonny wished they would have had the time to do together and reminisces about old memories. In fact hearing that staten Island accent in his head became so familiar to Mike it took him a few seconds to realise something was deadly wrong when Sonny started calling out one afternoon. The timing first of all was wrong and secondly instead of Sonny's voice being sad or wistful it was full of pure fear and dread, something that turned Mikes blood cold and sent him appearing next to Sonny in an abandoned house in a split second. 

Mike almost couldn’t breathe when he saw Sonny's terrified, pleading face, as cold metal pressed against his forehead. It was at that moment that Mike shoved all the plans and deals he’d made with the scum of the universe aside, it would just have to be enough to keep them both safe. Mikes entire life had been full of careful planning and thinking before every action bar two, when he first kissed Sonny and now, as he launched himself at the man daring to threaten the love of his life.

After that everything happened very quickly. The gun went off embedding a bullet in a wooden beam in the ceiling, Benson came rushing in, aiming her gun at Cole who lay on the floor and Mike disappeared. In fact the only person staying still during the entire situation was Sonny, who shook slightly as he stared at the space Mike had just been, sure that the stress of the situation must have gotten to him and not even allowing himself to hope. He wasn’t even sure what he could be hoping for, there was no earthly way to explain how Mike Dodds had come back to life in order to save his, for the second time now, before vanishing in the blink of an eye. So when countless people asked him what happened he gave no answer, the only one he could offer making no sense, even to him. In fact that evening when he stumbled back home, his mind was still processing everything that had happened to him. 

He was further taken aback when he saw Mike standing in his living room, looking like not a single day had passed since his death. Well there was one difference, the Mike of before always looked sure, although over the months Sonny had gotten better at reading through the façade. Because really that was all it had been, Mike, despite his posturing confidence double guessed his every move and felt weighted down by expectations of who he should be. Only now Sonny could not only infer this, but could see the uncertainty written clearly written across Mikes face through the slightly bashful smile he wore and the clenching and unclenching of his fists.

“I- I thought you were dead, I mourned you, I buried you. How could you do that” Sonny said in a voice that contained all the anger of a shout albeit with none of the volume, shock giving way quickly to betrayal.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry. I know that no apology will ever be good enough, that the pain I caused you, well there are no excuses for that. But just know, I didn’t want to have to leave you.”

“...how, because I swear I carried your body in the ground”

Mike knew that nothing he could say would convince Sonny of the truth, instead he would have to show him. Slowly, more slowly than usual, wings grew from his shoulders, and he had to hide a wince from the pain. He knew it would hurt this time, that it was one of the side effects from the many deals he had made, the many Fallen he had allowed to feed on his angelic essence, in order to keep Sonny and him safe, and to deceive everyone into accepting a now alive Dodds back into their midsts. Still, all that knowledge that he was almost a human now could not prepare Mike for the searing pain as feathers and bone forced themselves out through his skin, or the deep ache he felt in his bones. Still that pain was worth it looking at Sonny's face, moved from one of anger and confusion and pain to disbelief and tentative happiness.

“No way, you… an angel?”

Mike just nodded in response, not trusting himself to speak. He’d dreamed of this moment, but actually being here with Sonny again, it was better then he could ever have imagined. Being with Sonny was like drinking water after months in a desert, it soothing every worry he had about his future, about his duties, and reviving him after months withering away alone.

“You’re definitely beautiful enough to be one” Sonny said taking a small step closer towards Mike, needing to touch him to make sure it wasn’t just his mind playing a particularly cruel trick on him.

“No, it was always you who had those looks” Mike said breathlessly, his hands reaching out for Sonny's shirt collar to bring him closer still.

 “Just shut up and kiss me, I’ve waited long enough” Sonny replied before closing the crucial distance and they finally kissed each other and Mike swore that to fall had never felt so good.


End file.
